Reconnecting

Today, there I was, in my pajamas still, untouched sink of dishes, laundry not hung or folded, studio door unopened, on the bed at 10 am in my PJs while my youngest sat watching Dinosaur Train. I knew I only had a half hour to “get my work done” as I told him, but in reality- I only did a small portion of the research I was planning on doing (you see, I have a new project I’m in the planning stages of, and was shopping around for prices so I am prepared for the investment) but I spent five minutes of that time with comparative shopping or looking up ideas… instead I find myself on facebook. I read the homepage scrolling, I look at my page, I go back, I comment, I message, and wait. I wait to see if anything else is going to happen… my son soon has a full blown tantrum, because his show is over, he wants a snack, I’m in another room on the computer… and it hit me. I am not even sitting in the room with him, not even playing with him, or reading with him. I would have slapped myself if I witnessed this when Sylvia was a baby, when we didn’t have the internet and only 20% of the people I knew were online, when social networking was still a novel concept in it’s infancy. I spent 12 hours a day nearly straight- playing, reading, walking, on the playground, on the floor with her. She was my constant work, my great work, and the entirety of my universe. Well, and learning the ropes of balancing wife and mother. I came across two articles around the time I saw the grotesque state I was in: http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/05/07/how-to-miss-a-childhood/ and http://www.theverge.com/2012/8/13/3231386/offline-hows-it-going-paul-miller

I am extremely inspired by both, especially the idea of going offline. My big dilemma is that although I may not be even close to a complete online business yet, I would like to be there soon. I have played around with the idea of going offline for business and focusing on the craft fairs, but I want people to be able to find me online. I’m coming to a point of resolution inspired by Katwise http://www.katwise.com/ who only posts rounds of her sweaters to sell once a month. One week a month could contribute greatly to my mental clarity, keeping my online time to a minimum for postings and transactions only, the remaining three weeks of the month be time for production and preparation, family time, me time, couple time, etc. This is all part of my ongoing struggle with sculpting the vision of myself series… this year I’m being realistic and releasing my need for immediacy, taking things slowly so they solidify. I have spent 3 weeks thus far on going meat free and am waiting until next week to go dairy free, I can wean my online problem slowly as well. I will start with weekends only, and take it slow. As I watch the toxins drift from my reality, I hope to find a more illuminated path towards the true will. It’s call is becoming much more audible these days.