Clouds and Taxes

16 04 2013

I’ve been in that birdcage place in my mind for the last few days. On a rational level, I could claim that it’s any of the laundry list of influences- hormones, vomiting children, procrastination on spring cleaning and taxes, inability of seeing forests for the dicotyledons… but more than anything I have this enigmatic itch to jump out of my skin, I feel restless, I feel an adventure in the making… but where is the source of this feeling? I laid on the girls bed today while the kids were playing and/or reading… I listened to some classical music while I stared out the window at the clouds. I was giving myself a secret meditation time while the kids were on self sustained mode for the moment. I looked at the conglomerate of clean laundry to fold and walked right past, plopped down on the futon and released all the spent air that had been churning in and out of my spirit during the day that I had stamped as overwhelming even before it unfolded. We live in an old Mason’s lodge built in 1923, and the girls room is a golden cream color with huge cathedral like windows. We are well above the tree line, so lying down on their bed and looking out the window gives you the sensation of floating along with the clouds. The clouds today were real clouds, the sort of clouds I watched the wings of planes crossing oceans slice into… the sort of clouds that entertained me throughout most of my childhood. I was a quiet child, I preferred the freedom of playing by myself over playing with friends most of the time, because it gave me the undisturbed peace of staring at clouds for hours, or lying in the clover watching the world of insects move in their chessboard trajectory. When I was about Sylvia’s age, we started moving. I suppose it threw off some of my familiarity with the world I knew, but I eventually began to lose my bond with the girl who stares at clouds. I never much liked talking, it always seemed like a silly practice. I mean, there were certainly people and circumstances that allowed me to feel safe in talking about anything and everything, but for the most part, I avoided it and learned to speak in the silent language of Nature. Staring at those clouds today gave me this surreal out of body like feeling. Nostalgia, yet experience anew. My senses are tuning into old sights, scents and sounds and something is being reformatted. I used a pink cherry scented highlighter today while filing my taxes, and it smelled just like my Grandfather’s pipe tobacco. Is this sense of urging my higher self steering me into the creative process? Is this new emergence of old data part of growing up, or is it more ancient and sacred? Is this what a soul’s calling feels like? The fragmented song that you only ever catch a part of, that fades before you can hear it’s entirety… the tweaking of rabbit ears to clear the static. Something profound is afoot.

Elfriede Stegemeyer girl in clouds





time has come… today

14 04 2013

Today’s unraveling was a much needed kick into full throttle consciousness. The kids and I got going at 6 am for a three and a half hour track north to Alachua, Florida for Holi Festival. Slowly the scenery shifted from the deep jungles and swamps of southern central Florida to Georgia with spanish moss. This fulfilled some of my homesick for Georgia pines, and as we arrived at the Hare Krishna temple, we were greeted with seemingly familiar smiles. I found out about the event from a flyer at the Indian buffet in town, and decided that it was a perfect prelude to my and Madelyn’s birthdays, especially considering that it was on my Mother’s birthday. We walked onto the temple grounds, which was at the Alachua ISKCON farm, and every person who we crossed passed with welcomed us and blessed our presence. I was there without Todd, as he was doing his final performance for Second Samuel. I felt prepared to dive into a festival without the assistance of another adult, and the kids were beaming with excitement. We got our bags of colored powder and walked around the festival, stopped in the temple and got acclimated. At noon, the first color throw was held. A huge crowd of people, of all ages and cultural backgrounds, gathered and as we awaited the countdown there was dancing, and people walking around powdering each other with colors. It was such a beautiful moment, complete strangers hugging one another and wiping coloring powder onto one another’s cheeks and wishing a
Happy Holi: or blessing with a “Hare Krishna” or “Hari Bol”. We counted down and yelled “Krishna” as we threw our colors into the air, and everyone started dancing or jumping at once. The kids were starting to get attacked by ants, and so we walked to the portapotties and washed our feet off, and wandered over to the food court to get in line for our vegetarian lunch. Perry began to fuss about his stomach, and eventually started crying, so we left the line and on the way back to the portapotties he vomited in technicolor. I concluded that the dust masks I had required the kids to wear (which kept sliding down and eventually were forfeited all together) had not been very effective at keeping the color powder out of the kid’s mouths. Alden began his color vomiting next, and I gave them some water and we went to the van to clean up and regroup. I asked if they felt like they needed to go home, and they both agreed that they felt like going back. We ate a delicious feast, danced some more and headed home for the day. On the way out I had a mini discussion with one of the monks about the era of Kali and picked out a mala and a few other things. On the drive home, as the kids were falling asleep I began focusing on the concept of Kali, of time- of arriving in the present. When we got home and were all showering, I stood before the mirror and saw myself, covered in purple, as Kali. I had emotions surfacing, and I felt the urgency of the shift. I broke my no facebook rule, as I felt compelled to check my facebook and as I did, I was confronted with all of the things that are constantly just below the surface. Two wedding invitations, a new engagement announced. One of my current struggles at the moment… wanting so desperately to feel settled, to feel the sensation of roots spreading into an objective reality. I tend to shy from diving deeper into the conceptualization of “marriage”. I was married once, for nine years, to the man that I was with for thirteen years. We had the four kids together, and things just came apart. It wasn’t really anyone’s fault, we were kids when we established a relationship. But when that marriage ended, I wasn’t sure if I ever wanted to get married again. But then I feel in love with a close friend, and began a deep relationship. We had a private handfasting, just the two of us, when we were living in the mountains, but since then the official and further commitment has been something that I both deeply desire and really want to be able to define, personalize and understand. This is a reoccurring presence in my life. I have to face the reality of this particular subject. Then I went back to Kali… Kali, the dark before light in which all creative forces lie in waiting. The conquering of time, the time that comes today. The song got stuck in my head, and as I listen to both the original Chambers Brothers and the Ramones cover I began to bring form from the depths of thought. I define my reality. I can not allow myself to be defined by anyone else’s version of reality. What I create for my life has to be now, and will not await anyone’s approval or acceptance. I can no longer sit in the waiting room, this is the time for action. Time has come today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wanoXM90yHE

Image





Is there a tether through the underworld?

30 09 2012

I’m not sure how anyone else has been feeling over the past few months, I’ve heard feedback from some of my more intimate friends that it’s been a bit of a challenge over the last quarter for them as well. I personally, I have been riding the waves of a funk that has lasted a few months. Some weeks it’s great, others it’s textbook personal hell. I could chalk it off to being life, growing older, astrological occurrence, saturn’s return, weaning hormones, etc etc. But at the same time, we are all in this together. I discovered the light at the end of the tunnel, I began to see it’s glimmer near the time of the equinox. I had a few exchanges with a good friend that she too was feeling a turn around from her recent setbacks. This past week has been filled was beautiful, serendipitous surprise. I had three conversation with very good friends that I had fallen out of touch with, I began to feel the love growing for my environment, as well as discovering new opportunities that I had been designing the scenario for in my mind all during the funk period. I had a thought- are these down periods necessary for manifestation to occur? I feel like when I’m going through these times I learn the lessons, or at least am given the potential experiences to further explore a deeper awareness and understanding of these lessons, that are necessary for me to grow into my new reality that supports the material creation that I sought. What type of anchors can be used to help one not lose a conscious state of awareness when exploring the shadow of the self? Is there a tether through the underworld? If there is, it must be of my design, of course. Like the spinning top DiCaprio’s  character uses in Inception, there must be a totem to remind us where we are, so we do not lose our self. I am grateful for the time that just passed, it was one hell of a ride, but what amazing joy it brings! It is the fear that turns the darkness into a prison. But we must face our darkness in order to understand our light. Image





Joy, Happiness… Eudaimonia and Lola Daydream

10 09 2012

So after the unexpected and annoying death of the laptop (though, in hindsight, much appreciated cleanse of old self attached to a stupid machine)… I’m back with the power of a purple gateway pavilion g6! This lap top makes me want to write much more often, so here’s to continuing promises of new habits!

This past week, er two… has been fast paced and full of lots of lessons as well as joy. Joy is something that I am attempting to cultivate more of in every moment of my life. I find that when I stop, breathe and find the joy in each situation, I can go deeper in my awareness of the world around as well as within me. I had a few moments this week I wasn’t too proud of, I lost my awareness and allowed my subconscious little girl to carry a megaphone. I said things I didn’t mean, had a tantrum, and stepped outside of myself to see a map of each moment in my life when I began to think in the specific categorical ways that caused a loss of grace. In Unity recently, we’ve been talking about blessing each new thing that comes into our lives. I see these moments as gifts from the Universe for having a more complete view of the entire issue, and see the lesson as a whole. It’s a funny experience, seeing yourself on the outside and realizing how ludicrous it is to carry on with the expected role. I have bigger, more interesting roles to play.

Joy. What is it? How do we define it? Joy is synonymous with happiness, and yet happiness is full of endless definitions and also undefinable. I decided to play the Wikipedia game.From Joy to Happiness to Eudaimonia.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eudaimonia

The six-factor structure of eudaimonia in psychology are as follows (as conceptualized by C.D. Ryff):

  1. Autonomy
  2. Personal growth
  3. Self-acceptance
  4. Purpose in life
  5. Environmental mastery
  6. Positive relations with others

Eudaimonia also refers to a guardian spirit, as the etymology of the word means good spirit. I know that (through personal experience) the sensation of joy, happiness, etc is a very similar feeling to that of being in a higher state of consciousness. Perhaps eudaimonia is our higher self, and the emotional interpretation of the state of being is in the sensation of atonement? Perhaps the atonement (also, today in Unity we talked about atonement, and seeing the basic breakdown of the word: at-one-ment was a refreshing a-ha moment for me) is the elusive Holy Guardian Angel, the actualization of self. This subject, I shall seek further understanding later. For tonight, I will end with the realization that on October 5, my saturn return shall be over. I have less than a month to celebrate the most interesting three years of my life. My, what a ride it has been, I can’t wait to look back on how far I have traveled.

When I am awake, you see, I know that I am dreaming, so that they must be very silly children, don’t you think?

Liber XCV

The Wake World

THE WAKE WORLD
A TALE FOR BABES AND SUCKLINGS
(WITH EXPLANITORY NOTES IN HEBREW AND LATIN FOR THE USE
OF THE WISE AND PRUDENT

http://hermetic.com/crowley/libers/lib95.html





Today’s Elemental reading (for a friend)

28 08 2012

https://twitter.com/#!/mamaheyoka/media/slideshow?url=pic.twitter.com%2FY6vpGdCY

I’ve been playing around with an interpretive elemental/pentagram spread in my readings recently, using the traditional ruling of the pentagram: Spirit, Air, Earth, Fire and Water.

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Slack

28 08 2012

I’ve been rather slack with my blog this past week, but in life I have managed to walk nearly 3 miles a day, do daily yoga, and get some housework done- as well as find all of the girl’s dance supplies for around 50 bucks (brand new we would have been looking at close to 200) thanks to eBay, and have begun the flow of the school week. Alden and I are working on art, letters, counting, doing some reading and games- and trying to fit in some blogging time as well. This week’s priorities are: remaining eBay auctions listed, more blogging, tarot and morning ritual meditation habit, daily yoga/dance as well as continued walks to school, Todd’s birthday (planing a special day for him, he’s turning 43!) and hopefully, some art time as well. My best friend had her baby last night (as well as another friend from high school!) at home, breech!! I’m so proud of her! I hope the storm dissipates in the Gulf, but lots of safe thoughts to my friends evacuating New Orleans right now, and protection to my favorite city!





My revolution looks like…

19 08 2012

Yesterday, a friend of mine posed the question: “What does your revolution look like?”

I had to step back and really let this question become more than just words. My first thoughts were- what is it, exactly, that I am revolting?

My free form exploration of this idea is as follows:

I am revolting against fear.

The fear of loss, of incapability, of intolerance. The fear of failure, of strife and of lack.

I am revolting against time.

Deconstructing the perceived binds that are held by time, the limitations and boundaries that inhibit and stifle, the idea that there is not enough time. The miscalculations from now irrelevant past equations, the idealization of future events yet to occur.

I am revolting against space.

Releasing the need for a specific locality for proper manifestation, seeing the unlimited potential that stretches endlessly and connects all.

I am revolting against matter.

And the limitations I implant within myself when I take for granted the physical world that surrounds me. The world of light and subatomic waltzes is within all. Objects are merely uniquely constructed and arranged particles which are given life when named, categorized and observed.

What does my revolution look like?

My revolution looks like the ocean at dawn, just before the tide comes in. It looks like steam rising from the asphalt after a summer rain. It’s a leaf blowing down an alleyway, moss on a tombstone. My revolution is the faraway look on a child’s face as they watch the full moon rise in a starlit sky. My revolution is liberty, and is my birthright.

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Today, I took a walk and saw the world with a new set of eyes-

Here’s some of the beautiful things that caught my eye as I walked:

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“…how they twinkle”

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