Five of Hearts

16 04 2013

Today, as I walked to pick the kids up from school I found a five of hearts on the sidewalk. With all of the latest unfolding of this ever turning path to self, it amused me greatly. The five of hearts, which equates to the five of cups in tarot- is essentially disappointment. But it’s so much more than just disappointment, it’s disappointment due predominately to an unwillingness to expand. It’s the let down we create for ourselves when our rigid expectations about how life is supposed to operate are not met. Typically this brings about the feeling of failure, of loss, of setback. But the real lesson here is how to shift from expectancy to experience. This lesson brought that moment of eureka when I arrived home with the kids. I had created an ideal scenario for my reception home, not a precise ideal, but just a general energy field I was looking to find. Of course, as the energy of three kids who just walked a mile after a day of school tends to go, they burst forth into the house with boundless chaos and my ideal reception was reduced to a disorienting muddle. One of my personal struggles has been the search for perfection and the idealization of how life around me operates. I feel such a great sense of darkness and failure when my vision becomes distorted, and when the expectation is not met. I allude myself into thinking that things will go perfectly, swiftly and precisely. My dearest friend, Ryan, who is my psyche twin posted a similar observation today on facebook:

Optimism has caused me a lot of problems in this life. Through it, I have come to have unreasonable expectations of perfection, both in myself, others, and the human experience as a whole. These disappointments have caused me no end of agony and suffering and anger. I woke up this morning, knowing it. I now know that for myself, the only way I can take even one more moment of this life, is to drop the expectation of perfection, hope for success, adopt new, realistic expectations, and prepare myself for the disappointments that are waiting behind most doors. The Formula of the new Aeon is this. Keep hope alive, expect the worst, and do it anyway. 

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. Love is the law, love under will.

As I am learning to shed my skin and dance the snake dance, I am discovering who I really am, things that I once longed for are slowly becoming irrelevant and belonging to someone else. Deleting the files of my story that were told from the perspective of others and writing one of my own is the only option. Let the shift from third person to first person begin.

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“Five energy represents that element in each of us that seeks out more expression, more unification, and more understanding of who we are amongst the balancing tides of the universe. In essence, Five is the numerical manifestation of our own desire to balance our own internal equations.”

from http://www.tarotteachings.com/meaning-of-five.html

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Clouds and Taxes

16 04 2013

I’ve been in that birdcage place in my mind for the last few days. On a rational level, I could claim that it’s any of the laundry list of influences- hormones, vomiting children, procrastination on spring cleaning and taxes, inability of seeing forests for the dicotyledons… but more than anything I have this enigmatic itch to jump out of my skin, I feel restless, I feel an adventure in the making… but where is the source of this feeling? I laid on the girls bed today while the kids were playing and/or reading… I listened to some classical music while I stared out the window at the clouds. I was giving myself a secret meditation time while the kids were on self sustained mode for the moment. I looked at the conglomerate of clean laundry to fold and walked right past, plopped down on the futon and released all the spent air that had been churning in and out of my spirit during the day that I had stamped as overwhelming even before it unfolded. We live in an old Mason’s lodge built in 1923, and the girls room is a golden cream color with huge cathedral like windows. We are well above the tree line, so lying down on their bed and looking out the window gives you the sensation of floating along with the clouds. The clouds today were real clouds, the sort of clouds I watched the wings of planes crossing oceans slice into… the sort of clouds that entertained me throughout most of my childhood. I was a quiet child, I preferred the freedom of playing by myself over playing with friends most of the time, because it gave me the undisturbed peace of staring at clouds for hours, or lying in the clover watching the world of insects move in their chessboard trajectory. When I was about Sylvia’s age, we started moving. I suppose it threw off some of my familiarity with the world I knew, but I eventually began to lose my bond with the girl who stares at clouds. I never much liked talking, it always seemed like a silly practice. I mean, there were certainly people and circumstances that allowed me to feel safe in talking about anything and everything, but for the most part, I avoided it and learned to speak in the silent language of Nature. Staring at those clouds today gave me this surreal out of body like feeling. Nostalgia, yet experience anew. My senses are tuning into old sights, scents and sounds and something is being reformatted. I used a pink cherry scented highlighter today while filing my taxes, and it smelled just like my Grandfather’s pipe tobacco. Is this sense of urging my higher self steering me into the creative process? Is this new emergence of old data part of growing up, or is it more ancient and sacred? Is this what a soul’s calling feels like? The fragmented song that you only ever catch a part of, that fades before you can hear it’s entirety… the tweaking of rabbit ears to clear the static. Something profound is afoot.

Elfriede Stegemeyer girl in clouds





time has come… today

14 04 2013

Today’s unraveling was a much needed kick into full throttle consciousness. The kids and I got going at 6 am for a three and a half hour track north to Alachua, Florida for Holi Festival. Slowly the scenery shifted from the deep jungles and swamps of southern central Florida to Georgia with spanish moss. This fulfilled some of my homesick for Georgia pines, and as we arrived at the Hare Krishna temple, we were greeted with seemingly familiar smiles. I found out about the event from a flyer at the Indian buffet in town, and decided that it was a perfect prelude to my and Madelyn’s birthdays, especially considering that it was on my Mother’s birthday. We walked onto the temple grounds, which was at the Alachua ISKCON farm, and every person who we crossed passed with welcomed us and blessed our presence. I was there without Todd, as he was doing his final performance for Second Samuel. I felt prepared to dive into a festival without the assistance of another adult, and the kids were beaming with excitement. We got our bags of colored powder and walked around the festival, stopped in the temple and got acclimated. At noon, the first color throw was held. A huge crowd of people, of all ages and cultural backgrounds, gathered and as we awaited the countdown there was dancing, and people walking around powdering each other with colors. It was such a beautiful moment, complete strangers hugging one another and wiping coloring powder onto one another’s cheeks and wishing a
Happy Holi: or blessing with a “Hare Krishna” or “Hari Bol”. We counted down and yelled “Krishna” as we threw our colors into the air, and everyone started dancing or jumping at once. The kids were starting to get attacked by ants, and so we walked to the portapotties and washed our feet off, and wandered over to the food court to get in line for our vegetarian lunch. Perry began to fuss about his stomach, and eventually started crying, so we left the line and on the way back to the portapotties he vomited in technicolor. I concluded that the dust masks I had required the kids to wear (which kept sliding down and eventually were forfeited all together) had not been very effective at keeping the color powder out of the kid’s mouths. Alden began his color vomiting next, and I gave them some water and we went to the van to clean up and regroup. I asked if they felt like they needed to go home, and they both agreed that they felt like going back. We ate a delicious feast, danced some more and headed home for the day. On the way out I had a mini discussion with one of the monks about the era of Kali and picked out a mala and a few other things. On the drive home, as the kids were falling asleep I began focusing on the concept of Kali, of time- of arriving in the present. When we got home and were all showering, I stood before the mirror and saw myself, covered in purple, as Kali. I had emotions surfacing, and I felt the urgency of the shift. I broke my no facebook rule, as I felt compelled to check my facebook and as I did, I was confronted with all of the things that are constantly just below the surface. Two wedding invitations, a new engagement announced. One of my current struggles at the moment… wanting so desperately to feel settled, to feel the sensation of roots spreading into an objective reality. I tend to shy from diving deeper into the conceptualization of “marriage”. I was married once, for nine years, to the man that I was with for thirteen years. We had the four kids together, and things just came apart. It wasn’t really anyone’s fault, we were kids when we established a relationship. But when that marriage ended, I wasn’t sure if I ever wanted to get married again. But then I feel in love with a close friend, and began a deep relationship. We had a private handfasting, just the two of us, when we were living in the mountains, but since then the official and further commitment has been something that I both deeply desire and really want to be able to define, personalize and understand. This is a reoccurring presence in my life. I have to face the reality of this particular subject. Then I went back to Kali… Kali, the dark before light in which all creative forces lie in waiting. The conquering of time, the time that comes today. The song got stuck in my head, and as I listen to both the original Chambers Brothers and the Ramones cover I began to bring form from the depths of thought. I define my reality. I can not allow myself to be defined by anyone else’s version of reality. What I create for my life has to be now, and will not await anyone’s approval or acceptance. I can no longer sit in the waiting room, this is the time for action. Time has come today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wanoXM90yHE

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oh dear…

11 04 2013

Perhaps the facebook strike is not as successful as I thought, considering that pinterest has replaced facebook. I have now devoted 2 hours of my life to repinning. http://pinterest.com/mamaheyoka/boards/ Wow, goodness. I am unplugging now, and going to go on a total internet fast until my birthday. One week! Hopefully this will get me into gear with working on some of the chapters that I already envisioned words flowing unto paper, and I WILL finally finish my transformation piece. So to all in cyber world, I bid you adieu. If you know how to find me, I’m here if you need me. ❤

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Cheating on facebook…. and random forced bloggings

10 04 2013

Since I started my facebook fast to accompany my shift in habits, I decided to finally see what this pinterest hype was about. I’m still tweaking it and figuring it out, but- I made a board of things I liked enough to repin! http://pinterest.com/mamaheyoka/kallos/

Thus far this week I have not managed to type even a single letter in regards to my story, nor to finish my painting, but I did begin consolidation of clothes version 9.0 and had a lovely walk around town with Alden. I took the kids to dance and football/cheer leading and made a revamped 50’s TV dinner of: veggie “neat” loaf, garlic olive oil mashed potatoes and curried peas and carrots. It was delicious, and with the smoothie I split with Alden on our walk, I was only at 761 calories today (and felt stuffed, to boot!) I love making veggie burgers, patties or neatloaf with the left over grains, beans and veggies from the previous week. I have a tupper wear bin in the freezer where I store the left overs (as there are never really enough for a second meal with a family of 6) and when it’s full I put cereal in the food processor, mix in garlic, herbs, seasonings and whatever binding agent I happen to have on hand (whether it be eggs, chia or flax seeds in water) and either turn into patties and put in the broiler on a pan covered in foil or put in the casserole dish for a loaf. If I’ve been juicing that day I add in the pulp from the juicer as well. I posted the picture on my twitter.

Hopefully I will manage to cultivate more creative things to blog about tomorrow, for now- enjoy my pinterest board and twitter food picture!





pure….liberty… the Purification and Liberation.

8 04 2013

Last week’s cleanse brought me with a surprising boost of energy, tranquility and a seven pound weight loss. During this time I reflected on the beauty of myself, and the world around me. I allowed myself to break from this during the weekend’s festivities, and all too swiftly the old self, emotions and ego began the writhing dance of obnoxious ridiculousness. I had an interesting conversation with a friend today, who was feeling a bit fearful of the current state of things in the world, and when I logged on to facebook earlier I found that they were not alone. I ciphered through countless posts that had an undercurrent of fear, hopelessness and malice. And thus I have declared, that until my birthday (which is my celebration from my cleanse day) I will fast also from facebook. It is only a small step, but perhaps it will begin a habit for me. I will be blogging, and sharing my blog postings on facebook to keep in contact, but until April 18th, I will not log on. More on this tomorrow, I feel the dreams calling.

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Food Workers of the World, Unite and Take Over!!

4 04 2013

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This:http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/04/fast-food-strikes-new-york-city_n_3009780.html makes me so happy to see happening. When I worked in fast food, I talked often about how much of a catalyst for change it would be for fast food workers to strike. There are a great deal of misperceptions about the world of a fast food worker, and until you’ve experienced it- you just may never fully comprehend. Fast food workers are treated like disposable slaves. The job is very high stress, you have expectations as an individual by most corporations that are unobtainable without robots, and there is little to no strong work ethic in lower or upper management, which bleeds into the staff. The next time you see a disgruntled fast food worker, before you judge them or get angry, think about this: Most “full time” fast food workers have a hard time getting scheduled for more than 25 hours, there is a timer above the door of every drive thru window, it goes red after 90 seconds. The timer starts counting down as soon as you drive up to the order window. Once that timer is flashing red (after 90 seconds) there are points deducted on reports that go to the corporate office. 90 seconds from driving up to the window to driving off with your food is consistently nearly impossible to deliver, especially when you consider that most of the time your cashier is only putting your order into the computer and taking your money, the people on the food line most often have anywhere from 8 to 20 orders to complete within these 90 second guide lines. There’s an angry manager when this happens, typically yelling and projecting to everyone, often a member of upper management supervising who is also scrutinizing and occasionally an angry customer who is already stressed out from the traffic they just sat in. I’ve had some really rude customers before when the whole assembly line of product is slower than the 90 second time limit, people lose sight of the fact that you are in fact, a genuine human being struggling to make a living on slave labor. Also, with no health benefits provided- most food industry employees cannot afford (on their minimum wage) to visit a doctor when ill, and it’s not easy for non pregnant adults to get on government insurance. Being around both food and lots of people for several hours a day exposes you to potential pathogens, and it is actually very common for fast food workers to get viruses. However, it is nearly impossible to call in sick, as a fast food worker, without the fear (and potential reality) of losing your job. Which leaves many sick workers working, preparing your food, and handling your money. If there was a greater respect for food workers in this country and their jobs were protected, perhaps we would see a tremendous change in many social arenas?

side note:

just read the CNN money article http://money.cnn.com/2013/04/04/news/companies/fast-food-new-york-strike/ and had to leave the page, there was so much negativity in the comments. It amazes me the way people talk about food industry workers, nearly everyone I have ever met in food service is working towards something more sustainable for themselves, are very intelligent as well as very aware of the state of things socially, economically as well as politically. I made my mark in the comments section, but I am not finished with this. I’m as passionate about this as I am many other things, and I want to do something. I need to do something.